in the station or redefine your perception of reality? Sometimes the train doesn't even come to a full stop. Try to ignore the fact that there are people—entire families—frantic, flailing, pushing, heaving huge parcels—the accumulation of all their worldly possessions—moving off the train as well. Some of them will be crying. Did I mention the livestock? How laughably (under other circumstances) narrow the doors are?

Grab hold of the side of the train (there are metal bars for that purpose) and hang on as it picks up speed. Inside, people are settling in, finding room for new passengers where before none existed. Even if you're outside for a while (10 minutes hanging off a speeding train seems like an eternity—very scary), wind in your hair, pack weighing heavily on your back...don't worry. Eventually—miracu- lously—everyone with enough will and chutzpah gets on the train.

If, under these conditions, you still to try to do it, then congratulations: you are truly a sick fuck and are clearly not the kind of person who needs to read "10 easy steps" articles to get what you want out of life.

2: Ok, the coast is clear. It's not festival time, which means the train system will merely be chaotic rather than utter madness. But even still, it's never easy
to get a ticket. Go to the tourist office and ask for the secret tourist quota tickets. They save a few spots on most trains for you lucky, horny Westerners. Try to buy tickets as far in advance as possible so you can arrange all the important details.

3: Here's the key: 2nd class AC. Ok, so it's a little pricey, a lot more money than 2nd class non-AC (approx $10 vs. $40 to traverse the length of India). But here's the thing: 2nd class AC has curtains. Are you listening to me?!?! Curtains. So, if you want to fuck, get your priorities straight, pony up the extra few bucks and go for the

Inside 2nd class AC

thick obfuscating curtains. (1st class has got 'em too, but if you're young and edgy enough to want to fuck on the train, then chances are, you can't afford 1st class).

4: But even then, merely securing two seats together in 2nd class AC ain't gonna get you no nookie yet, son. You need to get the right seats. So listen up. (See chart 1.32a). First of all, let me tell you: sleeper class (that's where you are) is totally pimp. Everyone gets their own bunk. Plus, you get pillows and bedding and towels and it's clean. The food's even good. Three meals a day plus snacks. That's right, they serve you meals on the train.

So, you've got the bed and you've got curtains—but don't go whipping it out quite yet. Problem is, it's tight quarters. You can get two seats together but even with curtains, you're not always alone. Two-thirds of the bunks are directly across from other bunks. In other words, the curtain blocks off sections of four bunks. And forget it, I don't care how soundly it looks like he's sleeping—you're not going to do it with some guy sleeping across from you. Quarters are just too tight. Even if you think you can hide under a pile of blankets or something. Nope. There's no way you could get away with it. Even just innocently lying in the same sleeper bed with someone is pretty risqué by Indian standards and will attract attention.
Label of delicious food served onboard
Also, you've got to remember: you're a Westerner. You're a rock star. All eyes are on you all the time.

The trick is, when you're buying tickets, you must request the two side seats. Those are the only bunks that are sep-arated completely by their own curtains. It is assigned seating, so you must book these seats in advance. The ticket person won't give them to you unless you ask.

Once you've secured your two side berths in the 2nd class AC car, you're 75% of the way there. Just a few more things you need to know...

5: DON'T GET CAUGHT. In the very least, they'll boot the both of you off the train. Which is an intimidating prospect considering the remote, cholera-infested villages you'll be traveling through. And that would be considered getting off lightly. It's possible the Indian army men who patrol the trains might arrest you and throw you in the brig. India is notoriously
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