in the station or redefine your perception of reality? Sometimes the train doesn't even come to a full stop. Try to ignore the fact that there are people—entire families—frantic, flailing, pushing, heaving huge parcels—the accumulation of all their worldly possessions—moving off the train as well. Some of them will be crying. Did I mention the livestock? How laughably (under other circumstances) narrow the doors are?

Grab hold of the side of the train (there are metal bars for that purpose) and hang on as it picks up speed. Inside, people are settling in, finding room for new passengers where before none existed. Even if you're outside for a while (10 minutes hanging off a speeding train seems like an eternity—very scary), wind in your hair, pack weighing heavily on your back...don't worry. Eventually—miracu- lously—everyone with enough will and chutzpah gets on the train.

If, under these conditions, you still to try to do it, then congratulations: you are truly a sick fuck and are clearly not the kind of person who needs to read "10 easy steps" articles to get what you want out of life.

2: Ok, the coast is clear. It's not festival time, which means the train system will merely be chaotic rather than utter madness. But even still, it's never easy

thick obfuscating curtains. (1st class has got 'em too, but if you're young and edgy enough to want to fuck on the train, then chances are, you can't afford 1st class).

4: But even then, merely securing two seats together in 2nd class AC ain't gonna get you no nookie yet, son. You need to get the right seats. So listen up. (See chart 1.32a). First of all, let me tell you: sleeper class (that's where you are) is totally pimp. Everyone gets their own bunk. Plus, you get pillows and bedding and towels and it's clean. The food's even good. Three meals a day plus snacks. That's right, they serve you meals on the train.

So, you've got the bed and you've got curtains—but don't go whipping it out quite yet. Problem is, it's tight quarters. You can get two seats together but even with curtains, you're not always alone. Two-thirds of the bunks are directly across from other bunks. In other words, the curtain blocks off sections of four bunks. And forget it, I don't care how soundly it looks like he's sleeping—you're not going to do it with some guy sleeping across from you. Quarters are just too tight. Even if you think you can hide under a pile of blankets or something. Nope. There's no way you could get away with it. Even just innocently lying in the same sleeper bed with someone is pretty risqué by Indian standards and will attract attention.